My First Marriage

Marriage according to google is the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship. My definition is a little less formal; Marriage is forever.

Let’s begin with the thought I had of marriage as a young little girl. Society teaches us at a young age, especially when you’re a little girl, that the goal is marriage. That you’ll go through many relationships and at the last one or maybe even the first, you’ll find your soul mate and you’ll get married and live happily ever after. Well for most of us life doesn’t work as picture perfect as the movies portray it to.

To begin with, I started to not want to ever want a relationship at a very young age because I watched my mother go through many mentally, emotionally, and phyiscally abusive relationships with men. I watched my mom put men before her children, and I made it my best effort to never be the way she was to her three children. So I lost a lot of interest in men. I wanted different for myself, so I began to pursue women at the age of 14.

I never was in a real relationship until I was about 17 years old. I was at the peak of my high school life and then I met a young lady who as I talked about in Lesson Learned taught me unconditonal love. Within my relationship with her, I began to have this grand idea of what our marriage would be like.I had the best dreams about how we would have this huge wedding and all of our bad times would go to rest when we became one. Well just as I said in Lesson Learned that failed. So I moved on.

I began to pursue the first female I ever kissed… again (this time nearly 5-6 years later). I, as I said in my about me section, wanted my wife to be the way my first love was, but she wasn’t. Anyways no negativity…. yet.

So starting June 6, 2016, I began to date this woman I never thought I could date. She was so much nicer and sweeter since the last time I was pursuing her and I loved the idea of her. So we began what we would say “New Beginnings”. The beginning of our relationship was solely through letters and brief phone calls, as I trained to become an Airman and a Defender. But I loved every single moment of it. We began to talk about marriage, and I fell in love with the idea of marriage. The idea that someone could love me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me. So we talked about how things would be when we got married, she talked about how she would do all the wifely things a wife should do and I expected her to live up to her words.

We got married on December 15, 2016. We said those very popular words: “ For better, for worse… til’ death do us part…. I do”. And we had already had our honeymoon phase for the first six months of our premarital relationship. So as with many young marriages, when the honeymoon phase is over, so is everything else. Now the marriage was literally all I could ask for minus everything my wife said she would do she didn’t. I began to lose attraction to the woman I just agreed to spend the rest of my life with from an impulsive decision. When the attraction left, so did the “in love” idea.

I love my wife, I always will, but she made me never want to marry again until I’m certain I want my life with another person. After our premarital anniversary on June 6, 2017, we got seperated. I did me for the entire three weeks of seperation, then I thought my wife had changed, but she hadn’t. She was still vulnerable and susceptible to everything involving me.

I’ve always suffered with my mental illness, though only recently disgnosed, as I look back because I was so afraid to be engulfed by this woman I married. I pushed her away EVERY chance I got. And she tried so hard to get me to not give up until she decided enough was enough. I’m thankful for the time we shared with each other. But I wish we thought harder about the marriage thing.

Now for anyone thinking I bash my wife or anything, I don’t. She is fully aware of everything I say anywhere because I always keep it 100 with her.

And to the people who are considering marriage let me leave you with this:

Do not marry that woman or man because you think you’re in love. Do not marry that person because of false hopes. Do not marry them because you want to change them. Do not marry them because you want a baby.

Marry that woman or man because you know you’re in love. Marry them because you love yourself enough to share your love with another person. Marry them because they are your person. Marry them because they are your best friend. Marry them because the ties that bind you two are impossible to explain. Because some bonds defy distance and time and logic; because some ties are simply… meant to be. Like Meredith Grey said in Grey’s Anatomy. Damn it marry them because thats who you want to grow old with. Marry them because your life would be incomplete without them. Marry them because they change you for good reasons. Marry them because …. they are your soulmate and you know because you don’t just talk about it, but you feel it in your entire heart and soul.

Thank you for reading this. Thank you for your support.

Much love,

Najiyyah.

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