Let me tell you all about my day today. So I started the morning off getting ready for work. After I got ready, I read some of my blogs to my mother, grandmother, and sister. Then I got in my jeep passenger seat as my grandmother drove me on base to work. I went into my squadron where my supervisor told me to start working on outprocessing CBT’s, so I did. I also had an appointment at 0930 with the Area Defense Council(base lawyer). Following my appointment with them I had so much confidence that I could fight for my career. I dove into writing my responses for the letter of reprimands I recieved from my commander. I got them done, and really felt like I had a chance at this thing. So I got off work at 1630, my friend just so happened to call me and ask if I needed them to pick me up so I said sure. They picked me up, took me home and later called me asking me to go the mall with them, I agreed to. So we went to the mall, I began to feel like shit for the first time all day because of how they were talking to me, so I knew I wanted to go home as soon as I got back to my jeep. We left the mall, they bought us popeyes and then we went back to their place. I chilled there for a little bit and as I sat there eating my popeyes my niece and nephew’s worthless mother decided she would start messaging me being disrespectful. And for the first time in two years I didn’t buck on her, but I of course got angry. I didn’t say any harmful things, but I have decided to give up on my niece and nephew. Their mother uses them as leverage to get to me and because she knows how irrate I previously had gotten about them she tried it. But this time I simply just give up. I was using my niece and nephew as my motivation to keep pushing forward with life. I was encouraging myself to continue with life because of them. And now that I have decided to let them go because of their mother, I am lost. I don’t have a reason to push forward anymore. I don’t have a reason to fight for anything anymore. So as the tears run down my face of course I’m thinking the worse. I’m so ready to tell everyone goodbye and mean it this time. I just wanna give up. Giving up is easy. I can’t stop this meltdown I’m having and the only person that recently has been getting me to stop didn’t even realize that something was bothering me. Or maybe didn’t care enough to ask what was and that hurts. God I’m in so much emotional pain right now. I just want someone to put me out of my misery. Life is so fucking hard right now and all I can do is think about giving up.
I’m gonna leave you all with this…
In about a hour or so all of these negative thoughts are gonna leave, but they always come back. I just want a reason for them to go away and never come back. I’m so tired of crying. I’m so tired of being sad.
God please give me a reason.