I’m on a Roller Coaster that Only Goes UP

It’s been brought to my attention that not a lot of people have ever heard of my mental illness. Well what better to blog about than something I live with everyday.

To begin with, let me give you the medical definition for Borderline Personality Disorder again. As defined on the website National Institute of Mental Health:

Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD) is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships.

The thing about my mental illness is that though I can define it, it does not define me. Yes I do suffer with some of the criterion within the illness. Perhaps I may always suffer with them, but if I take control of them they will not take over me. If I can control the things that make me respond irratically or with self mutilating behaviors I can overcome my mental illness. Knowing this is why I say I am on a roller coaster that only goes up.

Pay attention though because I never said the roller coaster didn’t stop or have any malfunctions. See my life is the roller coaster. The things that have happened to me are the stops and malfunctions that happen in life, and the worker who comes out to fix my life is … God. He is the fixer. So no matter if a track was missing on the roller coaster or if it simply stopped working without an explanation, God always comes through to get it fixed.

Although, God may not make it to fix the issue as quick as I may like Him to. But I am always patient now. It took me 20 years to gain patience. I have always been so spoiled that being patient wasn’t really necessary. My roller coaster ride isn’t always the funnest ride to be on. And just like any normal ride it always stops, picks up new people and keeps going. I say I’m on a roller coaster that only goes up because it only just started to go up. For the past three months it was on a constant up down cycle because of my mental illness. But of course as I’ve noted before I am in therapy once sometimes even twice a week, and I am healing.

I am not as strong as everyone envisions me to be. I am weak right now and I need positive people and constant reassurance that I will get through all that I am encountering. I want people to know that though I am beautiful, I have been hurt far too many times to count by people I thought I could trust. By people I thought cared about me. I want people to know that at night I always get low. I always cry harder when I think about the pain I’m feeling. So I need people to surround me with love and only love. I cannot waste time on caring about others anymore.

There is this thing my best friend made up for us and its called a Me Mission. On the Me Mission the goal is to focus solely on yourself and your relationship with God. Maybe you’re reading this and you don’t believe in God, and that is completely fine. But please believe in something or you will fall for anything. The motive for my Me Mission are the smile on my face; my niece, nephew, and Godson; and MONEY. My goal is to become the best me I can possibly be while loving who loves me in the process. My goal is to want more for myself than what I may have wanted in the past. My goal is to come out on top and to use this set up for my extraordinary comeback.

My roller coaster ride has been and I’m sure will continue to be one hell of an experience. I am thrilled to say when I walk away I’ll be wiser, stronger, and of course more beautiful than I have ever been before. My life is and forever will be from this point forward in the hands of Him who will never forsake thee nor leave thee. I surrender my life because without my surrendering I will forever be risking everything I have. I no longer wish to partake in risk taking behaviors or things that cause damage to my already downward spiraled military career.

Well I believe I’ve reached a good stopping point here, so per usual let me leave you all with something. We all know the famous saying that God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers, well how can that be when the battle is not yours it’s the Lord’s. And no matter what you’re going through, remember that you are not alone. You will never be alone. I know reaching out to people may be hard, but please if you don’t reach out to anyone else, reach out to me. Whether its a comment here, a mention on Twitter(anoriginal_ge), a Facebook message(KeepingItGe), an instagram dm or comment(anoriginal_ge), or even a snap(anoriginal_ge). I am always available. I sleep pretty hard, but I promise to get back with you. Take care now.

Much love,

Najiyyah.

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