Okay so for this blog, as the title says, I am going to write a blog to my 16 year old self. I honestly didn’t know where to start so I pulled out my diaries and one of the entries is dated July 17, 2013.
Dear 16 year old Najiyyah,
I know that you feel empty, but I want you to open up your eyes to see that feeling empty isn’t normal. I know that nothing makes since to you, but later in life everything you’re experiencing will all have been for a reason. I’m sorry that you’re pretending to be happy and that you’re pretending that you’re not hurting anymore, but babygirl trust me pretending won’t make it better. You are stronger than you think you are and I know that sounds hard to believe because of what you’re feeling, but pain is and always will be temporary. The support system you think you have is very relevant at this moment in life, but never get confused with how long those people are supposed to be in your life. No, its not normal for a 16 year old to cry at random times, but you’re not a normal 16 year old. You are a Borderline. So the mood swings you experience are from your mental illness, and I know it may scare you to know something is wrong, but you can get help. Your life was never “perfect”, and loving a female didn’t ruin you forever. I love that you notice the unique things about yourself like how your eyes get lighter when you cry. There have been people besides family that actually love you and compliment you, but you tend to ignore them because you fear engulfment so much. You’re not over her just because you don’t stalk her twitter anymore Najiyyah, but that is a start. I know not understanding why something ended confuses you, but God wanted you to let go and not have a last conversation. I’m glad that at 16 you’re not crying because its over, but that you are crying because it happened. I love you Ge. I know you feel like you are experiencing heart break, but baby girl you gotta lot more meaningful heartbreaks to experience. You have a lot more life to live. You’re wondering how many more heart breaks you’ll experience, how much more pain you’ll feel, and how many more memories will make you cry. Najiyyah, in your life to come you will experience the worst heartache of your life. You will learn from it though and it will be a beautiful heartache, but it will hurt far more than anything you’re feeling at right now. You won’t be able to keep that wall up forever because someone is going to come along and make you push that wall over. Yes, you do push anyone who cares about you away and it happens like that because of your mental illness. You don’t want to say goodbye to your friend Cato, but you just want her to understand why you push people away and there is no way you can explain that to her because you don’t even know yourself. Why are you thinking about a forever goodbye? Why do you want to die so bad? You will love someone again someday. You will give them your all because you haven’t given anyone your all even though you feel like you’re experiencing heart break. I’m glad you’re so conscious of what is happening to you and how to move forward. You’ve switched perceptions of your future quite a bit in this diary entry Najiyyah, but I want you to remain optimistic. Know that what is to come will be a pivotal point in you’re life. It will change you in many ways, some good… some bad. But you will build off of the things that will be designed to break you. You will hurt again and you will love again. Soon you’ll learn the definition of unconditional love, just be patient my young self. I wish you talked to God. I wish you would believe in Him, so that you would know He has a plan for you Princess. Oh yeah… Najiyyah you don’t love the skin you’re in. Baby girl can’t nobody love somebody that does not love themselves. You have to love yourself so that you can accept the love that anyone will have to offer you. Take care of yourself. Talk to a counselor at school Najiyyah, keep your grades up. I love you girl.
20 year old Najiyyah.
Thank you all for taking the time to read this entry to my 16 year old self. I do apologize for not posting yesterday, but I am losing interest in doing this blogging stuff. Not because I don’t enjoy it, but because the people I care about the most don’t seem to care about what I love to do. But I appreciate the love and support I get from the people who take the time to read these.