Well hello again…
Its probably been like forever since I wrote my last blog, but I seem to be a bit ready to get into this again. So as many of you may know if you’ve read any of my blogs before I was suffering with my mental illness sometime back, well I’m not anymore. The depression I just recently got over was by far the worst I’ve ever gotten… I wasn’t leaving the house, barely even getting up to get dressed, was eating A LOT, and I cut everyone out of my life that cared about me. For me cutting people out of my life that cared for me and that I equally cared for was very hard, and it also showed me who was truly there for me. I’ve never felt like I didn’t want to talk to anyone in my entire 21 years of living, but something about feeling like a failure had me not wanting to push that energy on to anyone else. I feel as though having positive energy is valued by most people and the energy I was radiating was very far from positive. I honestly didn’t want anyone to feel that, but I also didn’t really know how be vocal about that to anyone and make them understand. Some days it felt like people were trying to force me to do things and I just couldn’t bring myself to get up and get going. The only thing I was sure I wanted to do was eat and as a result I believe I gained about 15 or more pounds which to me is a lot and I began to feel unconfident in myself because of the weight gain. But see I didn’t do anything about it I just still ate because food was the only thing that I couldn’t give up on after I gave up on everything else including myself. Boy oh boy if you’ve ever felt like you disappointed someone well imagine disappointing yourself so bad and multiple that by 10 and thats the feeling I had. I care about when I disappoint the people I love, but disappointing myself hit me on a whole other level and I just felt as if I couldn’t recover from the disspointment.
Its depressing and embarrassing to think about all the things I lost during my depression, but this blog wasn’t really gonna get to deep into that nor was it going to be emotional. I want to talk about my recovery right now. So if I had to pinpoint a day when my recovery began I would have to say on or about August 13 maybe(literally hasn’t even been long right?). Anyways so my breaking point, of my long depressing lets say 9 or so months, was one night when I got a private call and you see normally I don’t even answer blocked callers, but something told me to do so. When I did I felt my heart sink into my stomach when I heard the voice on the other line, it was my soon to be ex wife whom I hadn’t even talked to in I’ll say about five long months because I blocked her. Alright so she starts the phone conversation off by saying we had unfinished business, talking about the divorce very obviously, then it gradually just went on for about three hours. During that call a lot of reminiscing was happening and for the first time in a year I felt horrible for the things I did to her, but I wasn’t about to fold on the phone. I also was listening to her recall how I got into the predicament I was in and just hearing it from another person say that they could have never imagined me be the way I was now made me feel horrible. As soon as that call ended I just began to bawl my eyes out uncontrollably for about a hour or so. Now listen when this bawling was over I told myself it’s time to get your shit together Najiyyah (haven’t cried since)!
And so I did. I got up the next morning and began to mend a few of my most important friendships. I began to apply to jobs again because oh yeah I had also been unemployed for eight months which made me even more depressed because I was so used to having consistent money that I didn’t remember what it felt like to be broke. But I wasn’t fully broke literally until August because I had some money stowed away since I didn’t know how long it would take me to get a job. When I was applying to jobs before I hadn’t been putting in any effort, like I wasn’t calling to check on applications or stopping by places simply because I just didn’t feel like it. I was oh so lazy. But you know what I felt like I needed that depression as crazy as it sounds because now I know what I never want to feel like again. Something else happened that made me feel like wow you’re getting back into this world and I feel like it was when I started talking to my best friend Allysea again consistently. Like its crazy how distant we had gotten, but they say when a friendship last longer than seven years it’ll last a lifetime. We’re on year 9(inserts smiley face emoji)!!!!!!
My recovery has not been easy at all I swear it hasn’t but the journey to it has been worth every moment I’m about to tell you about. I had an interview on the 16th for a temp agency, but I guess they were never able to find anything for me so that fell through, I waited a week. Then I was back to the drawing board applying for more jobs, I applied to Bath & Body Works and Bed, Bath, & Beyond both on the 27th. When I called to check on my applications for them I was told to come in for interviews for both one on the 28th the other on the 30th. I got both jobs!!! Then another place called me that I had applied to and told me to come in for an interview because they needed to hire someone right away due to people quitting recently, so I got that job too.
Blessed to say I’m finally employed again, but it sucks because I live in North Carolina and as most of you know Hurricane Florence hit, so everywhere was closed including my jobs. Starting Monday I’ll be starting two jobs, gonna be leaving one headed right to the other, I already started at Bath & Body Works and whew I just know I’m going to love working there.
Life is coming together again and it feels amazing to be getting dressed again and to leave the house even if its just for a drive. Some days I feel ugly, but I know that I’m not I just don’t like to not get dressed anymore which is such a great thing for me. I’ve been putting overtime in when it comes to working on myself and caring about myself again and if no one else says it to me I’m proud of myself. For getting through depression because I know there are some people who never get through it and struggle daily to even get moving.
To those who may come across this during a period of depression, don’t let it conquer you and I know that can be so hard to avoid, but it does get better I promise. You are not and never will be alone as long as I’m here, I know talking to a stranger may be weird and uncomfortable but sometimes its the easiest to do because they don’t know you well enough to judge you. And whatever you do tell them you don’t even have to worry about their judgement if they are the type who judges. Take care of yourself even if that means taking a break from the world, but keep in contact with the people who care about you because even if it might not feel like it I promise you there is one person in this world who cares. Love yourself and I mean really love yourself so hard that you’ll never depend on someone else to love you. Lastly everybody needs somebody, whether it be a family member or a very close friend we all need somebody thats just how we are designed as human. I need you to know that you do matter and you are worth more than gold, never ever forget that. And if nobody tells you they love you, I love you I promise I mean that like Lil Donald said.